Q&V: Job Hunting!

Written by Queenie and Vivian

Your mission darlings should you choose to accept it – and you WILL – is to find Vivian a job! Let’s get Vivian back into work. Not that she isn’t working darlings as, obviously, she’s my partner in crime [quite literally sometimes] here answering all of your problems but she needs another job to keep her happy – and in gin. Speaking of gin she also needs another job to keep her pussies, gin and tonic, in cat food. I’m not forking out my hard earnt money for those furr balls darlings. I have more important things to spend it on like diamonds and champagne!

So darlings please find Vivian a job and send all your suggestions me to at the usual email address. Vivian is up for anything, so she’ll say herself, so any job suggestion is most welcome! Vivian doesn’t really have standards. I know you’ll rise to the occasion, so to speak, as I’ve been flooded with emails for my lovely new section – Queenie’s Singles. At the bottom of the page, below your problems, you’ll find my match-making attempts. Though I would like to point that should your dates not work I will not accept the blame for it. All dissatisfied dates can fuck off to some tacky pick-up internet dating site if you don’t like my suggestions that clear?

So without further ado here are your problems. If you need find yourself in need of our help them drop us an email by clicking here >> I can’t, however, answer all the emails so you’ll just have to keep checking out the pages to see if we’ve “helped” you out or not!

“DULL SEX” – Please help me. Sex with my boyfriend has become dull. How can I spice it up?

Queenie: Dump him.

“THREE MORE FUN?” – Last week you suggested a reader have a threesome. Are they really more fun??

Vivian: Oh darling they can be but you have to be careful. If you have a threesome in a relationship your partner can feel left out if you and the other person get along too well. And if you are the person having sex with a couple in a relationship you too can also feel left out.

Queenie: Vivian’s right so the best threesomes, or moresomes, are were all the people are single. That way there’s no tension and no conflict of interest. After all darlings the best sex is where you are relaxed not tensed up and anxious.

“Fuck Buddies” – Two of my friends are fucking and they don’t think the rest of us know. Neither of them are “gay” or will admit too it but they are fucking all the time and they don’t think we’ve noticed. What can we do?

Queenie: Keep your fucking nose out of other people’s business? Who cares if they are fucking? It’s up to them.

Vivian: Straight men taking cock, my favourite kind of porn. Oh you’ve made me all horny darling. As Queenie said it’s nothing to do with you whether they are straight, gay or bisexual. It’s there sex life and what they get up too is completely up to them.

It’s time for my new feature where I try and match-make you singletons out there. Now for some bizarre reason I had a lot of requests for dates with Vivian. Now you say a girl is easy and honestly half the male population of Essex send in requests for dates – do they really want that an easy lay? Until I get an offer of a date darlings Vivian certainly is NOT going out on any dates herself.

Now Donny from London is 23, blonde and gay. He likes to read books, watch movies and snuggle up on the sofa to soppy movies. Translated darlings that means he likes to fuck on the sofa while watching porn. So I’ve hooked him up with Ali from Newcastle who is a self-confessed porn-star. Donny will be able to judge Ali on his performance in more than way!

Debbie from Cardiff is ginger. Not only is she ginger but she’s Welsh. So Debbie there’s no help for you. I have my reputation to think off and there’s no way I can match up a ginger with anyone else. For future reference I don’t deal with gingers or welsh. There are niche sites for that.

Melissa from Birmingham is 32, tall, brunette with ‘big assets” – Melissa darling you aren’t auditioning for Page Three. I’ve suggested Melissa hook up with Brian from Devon. He’s a farmer and 45 and we all know Farmers are on the lookout for big assets.

That’s all I have time for this week darling but if you would like me to match-make for you then email put your name, age, sex, sexual preference and hobbies. Send it to them by clicking here >>

Disclaimer:

PLEASE NOTE: Queenie Le Trout and Vivian Herpes-Summers are fictional characters and any resemblance to real life people and/or situations are entirely coincidental. Any opinions expressed in these pages are NOT endorsed by ATV News Network or its parent company, ATV Network Limited. For further information please email the editorial team by clicking here >>