Can you believe its Eurovision time again, or to be more precise it was Eurovision time on Saturday. Has it really been a bloody year darling since Moscow when Norway won it with that irritating munchin with the Violin, who was back this year to “open” the competition. Well it has darlings which means my task was once again, for the third year, to sit down and watch the horror that is Eurovision to dish my opinions on it. I’ll kick off with an old foe of my, Serbia. Now you may remember that two years ago Serbia won the Eurovision contest with a power ballard by an awful lesbian looking singer [I'm sure she wasn't one darlings but the hair cut was suspect] who couldn’t really sing. I got a lot of hassle for saying that but I believe in calling a spade a spade; a bad singer a bad singer! This year Serbia went in the opposite direction and gave someone who screamed gay and couldn’t sing. In fact darlings he was a Gok Wan lookalike with a more irritating voice, worse dress sense and hair you would love to shave off. For one moment I actually thought Gok Wan had decided to abandon touching “baps” and represent Serbia instead - then I realised it was just a lookalike. Quite who would want to look like him I don’t know but Eurovision is a queer beast darlings.Lena ftw!!!!!!
Queenie’s Eurovision Review |
| Written by Queenie Le Trout |
| Saturday, 29 May 2010 21:58 |
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I just wanted to open up my annual Eurovision review with what will become, I’m sure, my annual dig at Serbia and its array of “singers” they serve up every year. To be honest they aren’t alone in serving up singers of dubious talent - the opening act of the evening, Azerbaijan, dished up an awful entry with chorography from someone who worked with Beyonce - can’t say I was that impressed with the dance routine to be honest. From what I could tell it just featured a couple of women walking up and down some steps and a man waving his legs about…yes darlings award winning dancing from Azerbaijan! Poor Spain though suffered from an invasion as someone decided to join in with their performance. Though it was hard to tell if it was an invasion or part of the routine given the dancers were all wearing silly hats [some were clowns] and the would be invader was wearing a matching hat. It’s nice to know that there are a few ‘Benny’s* in Olso and have been allowed to visit Eurovision but someone should have kept him under better control. He could have actually given Spain a decent chance of winning and with an entry like that, well it would never do!
A welcome return to Belgium and Ireland to Eurovision this year as both qualified to the finals for the first time in years - and Ireland was taking it seriously this year with a wonderful power Ballard. Belgium also had a nice entry, thankfully sung in English and not ruddy French, and just featured one man singing about his guitar. Well darlings he is from Belgium and I can’t imagine they’d be more else in Belgium to do apart from looking at tulips and playing guitars! But honestly darlings despite its limited material it was rather an enjoyable song if only that could be said of all the acts but allas this is Eurovision and its all about the bad, ugly and mad.
Now the “in” thing this year darlings seems to be wearing white; lots of the background dancers were wearing whites, especially the hunky dancers from Georgia that just happened to catch my eye. Also “in” this year is playing violins or variations off this is obviously because Norway won last year with a violin and these other countries are keen to get in on the act. Just like when the Ukraine won a few years back with Ruslana and her blend of metal/dance music which the following year spawned multi-clones. Guitars were also popular this year with Belgium, Bosnia entries all containing them - the Bosnian entry was quite keen to show off the size of his guitar in a very rock entry. Oh how I miss, though, the entry from Bosnia a few years back with the Brides of Frankenstein and the Helena Bonham-Carter look alike! Also “in” this year were getting your background acts to do strange things or wear strange costumes such as the Turkish entry which as someone dressed as a robot and Belarus with Barbie-Doll look-alikes who suddenly grew wins and looked like pixies.
In fact the whole thing felt very retro with shades of retro 1970s spawning various acts taking be back to the good old days before Maggie Thatcher, before Alexis Carrington, before Sue Ellen to a time when TV’s leading lady was Meg Mortimer of Crossroads. Thankfully this retro feel didn’t extend to the awful floral flocks that Meg used to wear - I don’t think I could have coped with vulgar displays of floral themes, there’s only so much abuse my eyes can take. Now displaying this retro theme where Albania, Greece - also rather looking like a gay orgy with an all male dancing routine dressed in white - Georgia, Iceland and Moldova complete with a woman who looked like a drag queen, with blue paint covering half her face, and a neon violin - yes Moldova went the extra mile and had a neon violin. Iceland had a very 70s entry obviously hoping to take us back to a time before the Volcanic Ash cloud spread across Europe and ruining my fucking holiday plans…also taking us back to a time before Kerry Katona advertised for the supermarket. Hmmmm in my mind both are worthy things to forget.
Now the entries I always look out for are those from countries such as Turkey, Greece and the Ukraine who always do well. Ukraine has had a few good entries in the past years such as winner Wild Dances and close contenders Shady Lady and that Drag Queen who’s name escapes me at the moment. Sadly this years entry, Sweet People, left a lot to be desired but then I wasn’t particularly impressed with the Turkish or Greek entry either so maybe it was just an off year for them or maybe they have all realised their neighbours will vote for them anyway so it doesn’t matter what the sing votes will come anyway? Not that I’m saying any country indulges in political or bloc voting - actually fuck that darling, yes I am! We all know it fucking happens so lets not pretend it doesn’t.
Now the French entry I rather liked because it was so typically Eurovision - it just screamed gay. It was cheesy, poppy, contained white costumers, awful dance routine, repetitive lyrics but sadly was sung in French. When will the froggy’s realise that they stand a much better chance of winning my vote if they sing in English. Amazingly not only is the song their entry Eurovision but also their theme for the World Cup…now that’s what I call killing two birds with one stone or being dam cheap; take your pick. Either way entries not sung in English automatically lose my vote and its not racist darling I just like to know what they are singing about. I mean for all I know they might have been singing about a trip to KFC! Now for Germany who a few years ago had their own pop group Angels entry with Disappear and one of the singers was a dead ringer for me - so I went out and got a hair cut. There was no way I was walking through London looking like a German Eurovision singer! Anyway this year’s entry was their “Lilly Allen” and well she might have looked a bit like Lilly to be honest give my Lilly over Lena anyday. Then maybe I still haven’t forgiven Germany for that incident with my look-alike. Actually darlings it was an alright song and something I can see doing quite well over here but these days anything gets into the charts - there’s no quality any more.
At this stage I would like to mention the presenters who had the dubious honour of presenting the competition. There were three of them; Eric - who at first I thought was just there to make up numbers as he didn’t speak and was just smiling - and then there was Nadia. For a moment I thought they were talking about the Big Brother winner and they had whisked Nadia into Eurovision for presenting duties and although this is Eurovision I’m talking about I don’t even think they would be that odd. No instead it was another Nadia so that wasn’t interesting or fun at all. Maybe a way to spice up Eurovision would be to get former Big Brother contestants from each country to appear on stage as presenters for different segments. Now if desperate Nikki Graham can audition for Neighbours I’m sure she wouldn’t say no to the chance appearing on Eurovision - who knows the producers of a German soap might see her and snap her up…or worse a French soap. I have to say, going back to Eric, he grew on me when he began to stirp but sadly he stopped at the first hurdle; revealing a green shirt but nothing more - what a let down!
I have to say that my favourite entries were from Scandinavian countries; Denmark and Iceland, although some would argue that Iceland isn’t part of Scandinavia when I was at all it was and Pluto was also a planet - so there. None of this dwarf planet rubbish and none of this “Iceland/Finland” isn’t a Scandinavian country rubbish either. If it’s remotely Viking it’s Scandinavian to me. Now thanks to that idiotic invader during Spain’s entry we had to endure the song again as they were given the chance to perform again without the Olso edit invading the stage - Denmark’s song should have been the last of the evening but the nutters from Spain, complete with crowns and hats, took to the stage once more. Surely it constitutes torture or some breach of my human rights to subject me to it again? Once was bad enough even with the invader - he actually added something to the performance if you ask me. Second time around was like being forced to watch endless episodes of Coronation Street - punishment.
And darlings the winner of the Eurovision Song Contest 2010 was Germany with Lena singing satelite - the Lilly Allen look-alike dear. As with recent years we didn’t do very well although I expected France, Belgium and Malta to have given us a few points but allas no - I don’t forgive or forget such snubs darlings! Well darlings that completes my round up of the Eurovision Song Contest 2010 - no doubt I shall comment again next year and who knows; maybe I’ll even go to Berlin to take part. In fact maybe I’ll even enter the competition for the UK myself! As ever you can post your comments below but I shall personally delete any offensive comments or anything I deem as spam - you have been warned! Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are not those of ATV Today, ATV Network News or ATV Network Limited and nor are they endorsed by them. Opinions expressed within this article are entirely those of the writer.
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