Well fuck me if we aren’t back solving your problems. It seems such a long time since I opened a letter asking for help. Although I’ve still been receiving them during my Showbiz Mockingness I just threw them in the bin or shredded them - I didn’t bother opening them darling. On Monday I found myself in the position of having to do returning to agony aunting without any problems to solve. Luckily some of you saw I was coming back and called for our help - you fools. I also found a pile of unanswered letters from the last time we did this so rest assured darlings they’ll be plenty for Vivian and I to do.Welcome back Vivian. Nice to see you back reunited with Queenie. Queenie has been up to allsorts in your absence and virtually running the gaff. Now that you're back no doubt you will keep Queenie on her toes !
Queenie and Vivian: The Return |
| Written by Queenie Le Trout |
| Sunday, 20 June 2010 17:02 |
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Now you may be wondering why I agreed to return to my old job. Well the answer is easy - MONEY. That little thing that makes the world go around darlings. I enjoyed my regular showbiz round-up and I certainly enjoyed mocking all of those stupid celebrities but I’m not a silly girl - I don’t turn down the offer of more money when it comes my way. Actually that’s how I became an escort darling. I was a checkout girl at Fine Fayre at the time when I was offered the chance to earn extra dosh on the side. Well I obviously grabbed the situation - and other things besides - with open hands and stuck two fingers up at retail. I’m just not cut out for retail darlings - I simply can’t be nice to people. We all know that customers are as thick as shit and just as welcome.
So the only reason I’m back doing this old crap is because of money. Vivian is easy and will do anything or everything if it involves being paid. She’s currently a little upset though over the world cup. Personally I couldn’t give a flying fuck about football, the world cup or the over paid, over-hyped football players but seemingly Vivian does. She is most upset about the calibre of players out in South Africa - she was expecting some more fitties to be running around the pitch, taking their shirts off and revealing their six packs. So Vivian has decided to pin her hopes on Wimbledon - fat fucking chance!
But mocking Vivian and Wimbledon isn’t what we are here for, is it? If I wanted to do that I’ll just write another Showbiz column and mention how Katie Price has sold the rights to her wedding to ITV2 or the continuing saga of Cheryl and Ashley Cole - like we give a fuck? No, we are here to read other people’s problems and have a good laugh. So here we go!
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How do you girls maintain such a great look? Its so very hard to get the pissed old tart look to work these days. - Jenny
Vivian: It’s not easy looking this good darlings, it takes a lot of effort and I never give out fashion tips. But here’s one for you Jenny, stop shopping at George (at Asda) because you look like you should be on Jeremy Kyle.
? Can you help me???? I’m in a relationship that is going nowhere fast. I still care about my boyfriend but I don’t love him anymore. I don’t want to break up with him though as it would really hurt him, what can I do? - Matty
Queenie: Grow a fucking backbone and dump him! Honestly darling do I look like the fucking Samaritans? I don’t read your “woe me” bollocks. If you are bored with him dump him, simples!
Vivian: Queenie has a point, Matty, though she’s as blunt as ever. If he’s dull, boring and the relationship is heading nowhere fast - dump him. No one likes a bore in a relationship, in work of especially in bed.
? If you would like help from Queenie and Vivian then you can post your problem/question below. You can also comment on today’s column below but all comments have to be approved by a moderator first. Any opinions expressed on this page are not those of ATV Today and nor are they endorsed by us. |
