Well darlings it’s been a long and fucking whinny road to get back to ATV Towers and back to what we’re good at – insulting all and sundry. We went on our holidays expecting to come back to our jobs and lovely big salaries when the Twats That Be, up in their Ivory Towers, called us in to talk about budget cuts. Well you can just imagine my reaction. I don’t do budget cuts. I don’t do pay-cuts. I don’t do things on the cheap. Do I look like an Asda girl? Do I look like a fucking coke-up Iceland mum? Do I fuck as like. No darlings the only things I’m good at cutting I can’t reveal due to legal reasons and court injunctions but it certainly doesn’t involve my salary.

So darlings Vivian and I had many arguments with the Twats That Be over cutting costs and our salaries and in the end it was a stalemate. We still get paid the same amount but we won’t be here for long as we normally are. They can only afford us for five weeks this time. Cheap fucking bastards. Penny pinching scrooges.  Class doesn’t come cheap as I often tell Vivian when she’s keen for a trip to Primark. If you dress like a cheap hooker you get treated like a cheap hooker but class is a concept beyond dear Vivian.

She’s sat next to me now darling with a cheap bottle of gin, she’s had to economise as we’re only doing five week stints now she can’t afford the finer things in life. I on the otherhand take a larger cut of her salary for stress reasons so I can still enjoy the finer things in life. While I’m still a Waitrose girl poor Vivian has had to down-size to somewhere frightfully common and full of chavs – Asda. I’ve suggested to supplement her declining pay-sallary she should get a job as a checkout girl there but even Asda have standards and Vivian is rather the bottom of the barrel.

Still these cuts back at ATV Towers aren’t all bad darlings as those fucking awful chavs from the Duty Office have been sacked. Yes they are back where they belong on the dole queue and no doubt shop lifting from the high-street. So that’s good. I was just itching to lock them up in the stationary cupboard for a few months – teach them some manners! I firmly believe that chavs should not be seen or heard – but exterminated.

Anyway darlings as I’m now on reduced editions I can’t be fucked to write that much so let’s get on to why we are really here – insulting you.

Queenie: Now I never got the saying of you can’t have your cake and eat it! I’m sorry but what the fuck have you got a cake for if you can’t eat it? Just too fucking sit there and look at it? Taunt you a little? Of course you have can your cake and eat it so you don’t have to choose between them at all. As long as your husband doesn’t find out you can carry on nobbing the toy-boy all you like!

Vivian: Oh hunny have them both! At the same time. Two is company, three is more fun and four – well that’s a whole different kettle of fish dear.

Vivian: Well darling to be honest while there is a risk of STI’s from oral sex it’s very little. I’d be more worried about the fact your boyfriend likes a bit of cock on the side rather than anything he could have caught and passed on.

Queenie: Oh so many ways darling, so many ways. Where do I begin? Of course there’s a fine line between revenge and bunny-boilerism but that’s neither here nor there. My favourite way of getting back at ex’s is to print business cards with his name on and put them into phone-boxes. He’ll get lots of nuisance calls from pervy old men wanting rent-boys.

Vivian: I find public humiliation very satisfying dear. Get a girlfriend to get him very drunk and then hire a male stripper to strip for him and kiss him ect and take lots of photos – then post them on Facebook making him out to be gay. Works every time dear.

Queenie and Vivian will be launching a new ‘dating’ service in next week’s issues where they attempt to play match-maker with various singletons. To enter into this ‘wonderful’ new service from our regular agony aunts you’ll need to send them an email. In the email put your name, age, sex, sexual preference and hobbies. Send it to them by clicking here >>

If you want Queenie and Vivian to help with any problems you may be having then just email them by clicking here >> Unfortunately they can’t answer all the emails they get but do keep checking these pages to see if they have if they have a “solution” to your problems!

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