Hello dears, it’s Vivian here! Are you sitting comfortably? I’m not. I’ve been sat down on my backside for simply hours with only gin for company. Well gin dears and my two pussies, Gin and Tonic, who has been trying to lick me all afternoon. Queenie has gone out with that fucking stuck up Missy Price for lunch somewhere expensive and left me alone in the penthouse to go through all the job suggestions everyone has sent in. Trying to read through all these suggestions while being licked by pussies is most difficult dears! Especially after one too many gin of the alcoholic variety.

It’s all very well Queenie telling you all to email me with suggestions but she isn’t the bloody one who has to go through them. My arse is ruddy numb dears, I must have been sat here for hours! I haven’t found one job I like yet. I don’t fancy being a scrubber again and looking after brats is hardly my cup of tea. Not with my track record with my son. We barely speak these days. The last time I saw him I was crapping on his door step – it’s a long story and I’m sure I’ve told it before. Besides I can’t stand little brats so why would I want to look after them all day?

Sitting at a till all day scanning items that I’d rather be eating or drinking doesn’t sound much fun either. Plus I’ve got a gob on me darling and it would only take one snooty customer for me to turn around and give them what for. I doubt I would last three hours before being sacked for insulting a customer, or staff...or management...or all three. I did fancy the bar managers job I saw but Queenie said it didn’t involve drinking...I don’t like the sound of that. What is the point of being in a bloody bar if you can’t drink?

No I don’t think any of these jobs are suitable for me so fuck it. I’ll just continue helping you all out. That’s much more fun darlings! So without further ado here are your problems. If you need find yourself in need of our help them drop us an email by clicking here >> We can’t, however, answer all the emails so you’ll just have to keep checking out the pages to see if we’ve “helped” you out or not!

“TOO MUCH” – My boyfriend is so demanding. He wants sex at least twice a day and I’m just not that interest. What can I do?

Queenie: Sorry darling you are moaning your boyfriend wants sex too often? Most of the time women complain they don’t get enough. Count yourself lucky!

Vivian: If you can’t keep up with him dear give him to someone who can – like me!

Queenie: In my book darling there is no such thing as too big a cock. In fact my motto is the bigger the better.

Vivian: Well the average UK male’s cock is around 6 inches. 9 inches is considered big so yes 10 inches is a little big for some. But not for Queenie and I. Dump the frigid bitch and pay us a visit.

Second week of my lovely new feature darlings but how did my dates get along last week? Well Debbie from Cardiff has been emailing all week to complain about my “gingerphobic” and “anti-welsh” outburst. Debbie darling, stick to your own fucking side of the boarder. I don’t want to see another message in my box from the fucking valleys, got it? As for Donny and Ali I hear there’s a video on X-Tube which shows just how well they got along. As for Melissa and Brian well let’s not even go there. We never fancied Devon or Farmers anyway,

So this week there’s Carl from Norwich who is a barman and 19. I’ve hooked him up with Sally from Essex who is 29 and a “PA”. Sally likes chick-flicks, the colour pink and cheap plonk. You’d never tell she was from Essex, would you?

Also lined up for dates are Miles and Mikey from Cambridge. From their emails both are self-confident pricks on the lookout for easy lays. So big yourself up to each other darlings and not to me.

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• |2010-01-20 10:32:49 dsaad
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