Q&V: Screaming

Written by Queenie and Vivian

Saturday, 10 October 2009 07:27

Well darlings it’s my penultimate column for this series. Well I say mine of course I mean Vivian and I’s. Merely a trivial there though. I do all the hard work so Vivian doesn’t have too. I didn’t really want to set her loose on last week’s column but Missy Price called and given the choice between an expensive lunch out and sitting down and writing this shite er lunch wins darling. Of course Vivian was meant to go through all the lovely job suggestions you all sent in and pick one but the lazy bitch couldn’t even manage that. Honestly one simple task and she spends all afternoon drinking gin and being licked by her pussies.

Can you believe it’s Autumn already? Where the fuck did Summer go? Did we even have a fucking Summer? I know its England darlings but surely a few days of sunshine here and there don’t constitute a summer? It was bloody raining most of it which in my mind is spring weather. Of course Vivian and I got away for a few days here and there to lovely exotic locations such as Norway – which actually had more sunshine than dear old blighty. Before anyone mentions it I have absolutely banned all mention of the C word. No dears not Cunt....the December C word. I was the mini-market the other day and was distressed to see they had their ruddy C stock out already. Well I told the manager what a fucking joke it was. He had me bloody escorted out the shop by security. So I sent Vivian in to piss on the fruit and veg. That’ll teach the fucker.

Anyway as it’s Autumn I dug out my horror movies. Autumn for me means longer nights, brats in fucking costumers and a good horror movie. It might sound weird darlings but it’s practically normal compared to some of your emails! Vivian and I sat down the other night to watch the first Scream movie. Now if I had been that serial killer darlings I wouldn’t have spent five minutes telling Sydney all about it....I would have just killed the bitch. But there you go. I guess that’s the difference between me and other psycho’s.

But talking about becoming a serial killer isn’t why I’m here or what I’m paid for, is it darlings? No I’m here to sort out your fucking problems. So without further ado here are your problems. If you need find yourself in need of our help them drop us an email by clicking here >> We can’t, however, answer all the emails so you’ll just have to keep checking out the pages to see if we’ve “helped” you out or not!

“LOCATION MATTERS” – Where is a good place to have sex?

Queenie: Variety really is the spice of life and you should try sex in lots of difference places. Showers, kitchens, cars, beaches, woods and work. There’s nothing like the thrill of having a good shag at work.

Vivian: Also try hotels. Book into a hotel purely for sex. In fact why just stick to one hotel? Have a shag at every hotel nearby!

“DOES HE LIKE ME?” – How the fuck do you tell if someone likes you or not?

Vivian: Well they usually tell you.

Queenie: Well if they aren’t shy they will tell you. But some people aren’t as a vocal as Vivian and I and need a little coaxing. So YOU may need to take the bull by the horn and tell them YOU like them. It’s no use waiting around for them to make a move cos you might have a long fucking wait.

Third week darlings and how did last week’s dates get along? Well Sally and Carl got along well.....they shagged darlings so I count that as a success. Mikey and Miles though have been in touch. It didn’t go well darlings. Both said they couldn’t get a word in edge ways and the other person only spoke about themselves. Which is odd because I thought the idea of a date was to eat and then shag not talk all evening.

Now this week I’m match-making Daniel from Hull, who is 18, with Liz from Birmingham who is 22. Both are history students and doubtless wear glasses. So Mr and Mrs Four Eyes can spend a lovely evening together debating the finer points of history. Such as who killed the Two Princes’ in the Tower and who Jack the Ripper was. Endless hours of thrilling conversation there!

Verity from South London sounds like a right old slapper. She’s in her “mid 20’”, which means late 20’s dears, and is a hair-dresser – bimbo. So for Verity I have Jake in mind. He’s from North of the River and is 41 and a divorced father of three. After being married for years and years he doesn’t want another nag-machine but a lovely bimbo who’ll do exactly what he says.

That’s all I have time for this week darling and for this run of Queenie’s Singles. I’ve spoken to Missy Price and she’ll do one week’s worth during her stint [she be taking over from me darlings for a few weeks] so if you’d like Missy Price to set you up on a date then: email your name, age, sex, sexual preference and hobbies to here >>

Disclaimer:

PLEASE NOTE: Queenie Le Trout and Vivian Herpes-Summers are fictional characters and any resemblance to real life people and/or situations are entirely coincidental. Any opinions expressed in these pages are NOT endorsed by ATV News Network or its parent company, ATV Network Limited. For further information please email the editorial team by clicking here >>