Q&V: Short and not very Sweet

Written by Queenie and Vivian

Saturday, 17 October 2009 07:53

Wasn’t I only saying last week that time flies though I was talking about Summer then, or rather the lack of it, rather than our weekly column. I can hardly believe we have chalked up five editions already but I don’t come cheap and I certainly won’t be paid less money for more work. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be paid what I am worth. Though if I really was paid what I was worth I would be a very wealthy lady by now.

I would say it’s been a pleasure being back here at ATV Towers even for this short amount of time but that would be a great big fucking lie. Those chavs from the Duty Office might have departed but that doesn’t fucking mean I’m still not having to deal with complaints. It seems Debbie from Cardiff and Verity from South London have been on at the Twats That Be about me. Well darlings if you didn’t like my help you shouldn’t have asked for it. It’s not my fault Debbie is a ginger welsh bint and I can’t help it if Verity came across as a South London slapper. Maybe if she lived somewhere a bit more classy and didn’t have such a common job she wouldn’t have come across so. I can’t be blamed for where people life, can I?

I think I have been rather reserved this time around. Have I mentioned how I waited six fucking weeks for a parcel from Ann Summers because fucking Royal Mail were on strike? No. Did I mention how I caught one of the lazy fucking Post Man taking a piss up a wall when he should have been delivering mail? No. Did I mention the butch lesbian from the chippy who has made passes at me on several occasions? No. Did I mention how I have her black eye and slashed her tyres? No. So there has been plenty of stuff I could have mentioned and no doubt offended people with but I haven’t. So they should count themselves fucking lucky!

Of course this is our final week so if you do need help with your problems there’s fuck all point emailing me. However, Missy Price will be here for the next three weeks so try her. She only does this for pocket money so she didn’t mind taking a pay cut. So if you want Missy to help you out just drop here an email by clicking here >>

“FRENEMIES” – I’m sure my best friend hates me. What can I do?

Vivian: It sounds to be dear like you are being a tad bit paranoid. I’m sure it’s all in your head. So I wouldn’t do anything.

Queenie: Well darling my best advice, if you are that sure, is to knife the bitch in the back before she does the same to you. Though not literally darling as I don’t fancy being accused of aiding and abetting murder again.

“LIES” – My husband recently cheated on me but he’s told me the one-night stand meant nothing. Do I believe him and try and save our marriage or throw five years of my life away?

Queenie: Well he would say that, wouldn’t he? It’s the oldest line in the book so don’t fall for it. Why don’t you have a one-night stand and tell him it meant nothing and see how he likes it!

Vivian: If he’s cheated once chances are he’s cheated several times but has only just been caught. You can’t trust the little rat so don’t even think of taking him back. Make him grovel, squirm and do plenty of running before you even consider it.

Disclaimer:
PLEASE NOTE: Queenie Le Trout and Vivian Herpes-Summers are fictional characters and any resemblance to real life people and/or situations are entirely coincidental. Any opinions expressed in these pages are NOT endorsed by ATV News Network or its parent company, ATV Network Limited. For further information please email the editorial team by clicking here >>