MOS: Ladies of Complaints

Written by Missy Price

Sunday, 25 October 2009 11:10

atv Hello dear readers, this is Missy Price back once more to fill in for Queenie. Well it’s not actually Missy Price writing this as I’m far too posh for that so my Butler is doing it for me. I’m merely telling what to write and checking his spelling and grammar along the way. After all you have to keep an eye on these comprehensive taught commoners. He’s a new Butler dears as the other one, whose name escapes me – dear me we’ve had so many – was caught in the broom cupboard with someone else. I still haven’t recovered from the shock of where that broom was but we don’t talk about that in polite society.

So moving swiftly on we have a new Butler and he is writing this column and page for me. I’m once again here to fill in for Queenie who I read is spending less and less times with you these days due to budget problems. Queenie is a high maintenance kind of girl and doesn’t take pay cuts so instead is doing less problem solving for you. I on the other hand don’t mind being paid less and this is just pocket money really. Something to keep me occupied between the endless round of cocktail parties and dinner parties and I do like to be a help too people if I can. I would also all kinds of charity work if it didn’t involve mixing with the lower and less well mannered classes but you see something like this is perfect because it means I can help out from the comfort of my luxury mansion without actually having to meet any of you. So I’m always more than happy to come back and help you poor [and I do mean poor in every sense of the word] folks out.

Unfortunately my first task is a rather tricky one as it concerns complaints about dear old Queenie herself. I’ve been asked to reply to them for some odd reason. So here is the first one darling.

“I replied to your agony aunt’s request for singles to take part in her new Match-Making section. However, I was rejected by her simply because I was ginger and welsh. I was utterly appalled at the gingerphobic and anti-welsh stance of this woman!”

Debbie was further angered by Queenie’s reply which er said “Debbie darling, stick to your own fucking side of the boarder. I don’t want to see another message in my box from the fucking valleys”.

So Debbie I’ve been asked to apologise to you. I’m sure Queenie didn’t really mean to offend you and I’m sure she isn’t really gingerphobic or anti-welsh. Although I know Queenie has never been to Wales I’m sure she thinks it’s a lovely country. In fact the other week she was telling me how she thinks we should be a great big wall all along the border to keep Wales protected…..oh no sorry, to keep England protected. Now I’ve never been to Wales either and I’ve never met a ginger person but I’m sure they are all lovely people. So I hope Ginger Debbie from Cardiff you feel less angry about Queenie and understand she was probably just joking.

In fact all the letters of complaints are about Queenie’s Singles section. Mikey and Miles from Cambridge didn’t take too kindly to being called ‘pricks’, my don’t they sound like a Solicitors firm? Verity from South London [how frightful, people life south of the River?] didn’t take too kindly to being called a ‘slapper’ and Sally from Essex didn’t like Queenie implying she was a typical Essex Girl. Dan and Liz from Birmingham didn’t like Queenie’s comments about wearing glasses and we also had complaints from other people who were annoyed they didn’t even get mentioned on the Singles Section. But apart from those few issues I think the Singles Section was a success!

ATV Well that’s all I have got time for this week as I’ve been invited to a rather lovely cocktail evening the husband’s work and before I go I have to nip out and buy a very expensive new dress. I can’t go wearing something they’ve all seen me in before that would look like we’re poor and well darlings we’re not. So I shall be back here next week where maybe I’ll actually get to answer your letters asking for help rather than letters of complaints. Just drop me an email at the usual address darlings, by clicking here >>