It’s the season to be jolly? It fucking well ain’t! Do you know, darlings, how many carol singers and JW’s I’ve had banging on my door? Banging on my door and singing those bloody awful songs with ruddy brats who are awfully out of tune and still expectant of money? I’d love to see them go on X Factor and be butchered by Simon Cowell...maybe then they won’t inflict their awful singing on everyone else!
All be upstanding for the Queen of ATV, Queenie! Love it darling. xxx
| Queenie’s Christmas Speech: Bah Humbug! |
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| Written by Queenie Le Trout |
| Friday, 25 December 2009 16:00 |
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So here we are darlings; another year and another speech. I don’t know why I bother really. The Powers That Be have asked me not to use any swear words, not to be offensive and not to be anti-Christian. Er that leaves very fucking little for me to write about and I’ve already broken the non-swearing and anti-Christian one and I always say start as you mean to go on. So I’m going to be honest and I’m sure the Daily Mail lot will hate it. That’s if anyone of them are reading this. Hopefully they took the advice in the intro and dug out their old Leni Riefenstahl tapes and are now sat watching them quite contently. That’s beside the point as I was going to be honest. I don’t believe in the Christmas naivety. I don’t believe in Mary, Joseph, Jesus and the ruddy donkey. I don’t believe in the angel and the three wise men. I think it was a lot of people who had far too much to drink and started to see things. We’ve all done it darlings, we’ve all drunk that little too much and suddenly we’re seeing donkeys walking down the middle of the road at 5 in the morning.....or is that just me? Actually darlings thinking about it that’s probably just me after one too many cocktails but you get my drift. So 2009; what can we say about 2009? What a fucking shit year. Seriously! Can I actually think of a highlight of 2009? No! Can you darlings?? We had many celebrity deaths – they were dropping like flies! Stephen Gately, Farrah Farcett, Maggie Jones and Richard Todd to name but a few. Of course there was also that singer who died but we don’t mention him darlings – it’s a little thing called an injunction preventing us. Similarly we can no longer knock the McCanns or even talk about the McCanns or even mention the McCanns because the McCanns had an injunction put on Vivian and I as well. Actually it wasn’t them darling it was The Powers That Be. Sorry my mistake! I find it so hard to keep up with who put what restriction/injunction/court order/restraining order on us! No it was the Powers That Be who forbade us for mentioning the McCanns at Christmas as it’s a time of goodwill to all men. But as I pointed out one of them is Scouse so they are hardly men....more an alien species. I suppose a highlight of 2009 could be the Tories haven’t got into power yet. See darlings I really am scratching around for a highlight and really struggling. Call me Dave Cameron isn’t Prime Minister...yet. But seeing as some idiots in London voted Boris bloody Johnson in we are quite resigned that idiots in the wider country will vote Dodgy Cameron in. Yes they’ll vote for a multi millionaire who claims expenses to help him pay his mortgage...surely he had enough money already? Plus darlings he worked for Carlton Television so he’s hardly a suitable candidate for Prime Minister! I really am struggling to find things to say about 2009 but that may because I can’t really be bothered at all darlings. I’d much rather be out enjoying a cocktail or ten with Vivian than sat here at home bashing away on my keyboard and watching the snow fall. Of course I am writing this before today [and that would be Christmas Day just in case anyone was struggling to work it out] so I have no idea if it’s a White Christmas or not. However, even if it was some people will still be ungrateful. Has anyone read the Narnia books? What an ungrateful bunch that lot are in it. The poor Queen may it snow everyday for her people and all they can do is moan it’s never Christmas! Talk about having your cake and eating it...no wonder she was forced to turn so many of the ungrateful little sods into stone. I’ve always felt a look of sympathy towards that Queen and feel she was completely misunderstood and misrepresented. Personally I like the idea of it never being Christmas – it’s far too expensive and full of brats; brats on television, brats in the streets, brats in the shops, brats in the pubs...just brats everywhere.
What hopes do I have for 2010? Money darlings and lots of it, lots of sex would be nice too and a whole year without the; McCanns, Kerry Katona, Katie Price, Peter Andre and countless other minor celebrities “gracing” the front pages of the gutter press. As if we want to fucking read about Kerry Katona’s car-crash life, Katie and Peter’s car crash marriage and the McCanns terrible parenting skills? I’d rather sit through all the episodes of Last of the bloody-boring-tired Summer Wine. Now darlings you can all fuck off and watch EastEnders. That’s it from me. It’s now time for Vivian and I to crack open the champagne and kick off our festive tradition of leaving abuse messages on relatives answering machines. Until the New Year darlings, when WE WILL be back, piss off and leave me alone!
PLEASE NOTE: Queenie Le Trout and Vivian Herpes-Summers are fictional characters and any resemblance to real life people and/or situations are entirely coincidental. Any opinions expressed in these pages are NOT endorsed by ATV News Network or its parent company, ATV Network Limited. Any comments posted below and deemed offensive will be removed by our moderators.
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